I havent written anything for years now since I lost my dog Max as there have been too many losses. Lost my brother Bill on 6th August 2018 when my son Damon found him on a hot summer morning asleep on top of his bed, fan on, in his birthday suit. Not asleep, but passed away. Peacefully. He had suffered for a few years, been hospitalised for many many weeks, coma. But we thought he was improving. It was a terrible shock for my Damon, who loved his uncle and looked after him. On  6th August 2020, myself and Damon saw each other alive for the last time, celebrating my brothers life and death. One of the last things Damon said to me before going home was dont cry mum, wouldnt we all like to have a peaceful death like that, in our sleep. Little did I know that two days later myself and daughter Kate would find my darling boy the same, a hot August day, fan on, laying asleep on his bed, in his birthday suit, but not asleep. It was an agonising two weeks because of the deaths with corona virus that the coroner did a post mortem and my boy died of a blood clot in his heart, death instantaneous the coroner told me, so no suffering.

Damon had been diagnosed with a brain tumour, but not cancerous, an acoustic neuroma, which effected his sight and hearing and made him very fatigued. But Kings were pleased it wasnt growing. But if only I had realised that his fatigue could have been heart related, like my brother, and myself and our mother, then maybe we could have saved him. But that awful corona got in the way and stopped many of us going to doctors and seeking help.

I thought the death of mum, then dad, then my brother which I felt much more than mum and dad. But nothing can prepare you for the death of your child. Damon wasnt a baby, I had him for 48 years 1 month and 1 day. But it wasnt enough. It will never be enough.

Tomorrow 7th September 2021 is the last of the firsts. It was the last day I saw my darling boy, not alive, but in his coffin, and then his funeral and cremation. I had my first christmas without him, then New Year, then Mothers Day, then my birthday, then what would have been his 49th birthday on 7th July 2021, then his first anniversary of his death 8th August 2021.

This is the last of the Firsts. But I know it wont get any better.